a vivid and continuous dream

milk face

2009-11-20T01:24:05Z

I've been feeding Freya every 90-120 minutes during the day. It makes the time fly.

We took her to be weighed again today and she has finally gained weight. Yay! This is surely due to my increased feeding frequency, more milk supply, and weaning myself off the stupid nipple shield. My nipples are still pretty sensitive, but the way to overcome that is to just nurse all the time until they toughen up.

Our baby is so damn wonderful. She loves being close to us and spends lots of time riding around on one of us in her carrier or being held in our arms. This is building a foundation of security and trust that will hopefully last a lifetime.

cat power

2009-11-19T02:06:14Z

I listened to this song a lot while I was pregnant and listening to it now makes me cry even more.

"Where is my Love" by Cat Power

Where is my love
Where is my love
Horses running free
Carrying you and me

Where is my love
Where is my love
Safe and warm
So close to me
In my arms
Finally

There is my love
There is my love
Horses galloping
Bringing you to me

The fetal monitor I was attached to while in labor sounded like a galloping horse. I listened to it for 16 hours, then it haunted me for the entire next day. When her heart rate dropped, I pictured a herd of wild horses, and willed her to recover. She is a strong baby.

My days are monotonous and I am losing track of time. All I really think of is how long until the next feeding. She needs to feed every 90-120 minutes so she can gain weight. Still not over her birth weight. Please think good thoughts for us.

bpm

2009-11-05T17:48:38Z

After Freya was born, I spent almost the whole day lying in my hospital bed. I was elated, but I was still kind of in shock. I waited for the feeling to return to my legs. They strapped some compressors to them to keep the blood flowing. My baby was brought to me and I fed her.

All night long as I labored, for sixteen hours, I was hooked up to a fetal monitor, which tracked Freya's heart tones, and measured my contractions. After the first deceleration, we lived to hear that heartbeat. It was steady and sure, usually at 135bpm, sometimes up to 160 when she was moving or kicking inside me. The times it dropped to 90bpm were some of the scariest of my life.

Anyway, the next day, all day, as I lay in my room with my healthy perfect daughter, I could still hear that monitor. It sounded so real to me, just floating in the background, thumpthump thumpthump.

Brian heard it, too.

But it wasn't there, there was no fetal monitor in our room, or even in our side of the maternity wing. It was a phantom.

Here we are in the hospital after feeding. It was the first time she fell asleep on my body. It felt incredible.

Freya

2009-11-01T02:02:38Z

I've neglected internet

2009-10-31T18:11:21Z

I know, I know. This is the first time I have been at my computer since Monday.

Freya Katherine was born at 5:39 am on Tuesday October 27. She weighed 6lbs, 4oz. The birth story is long and not without complications, but first and foremost, she is perfect and healthy and I am in love with her. We are all fine.

Brian is an amazing father, as I knew he would be. He adores and dotes on that baby, and has been incredibly helpful to me while I recover.

There is SO much more to say, but I can't really spend long periods of time at my desk right now! I need to go feed my little peanut. I promise there will be more soon.

it continues

2009-10-24T04:27:45Z

I'm about to take a much-needed shower but I thought I'd do a quick update. We had a long day at the doctor's office, mainly due to being made to wait for extended periods and the fact that my doctor was called away suddenly to deliver two babies.

First we did another 20-minute non-stress test. Again, baby passed with flying colors, kicking it up like she always does. Then we waited an entire hour for the ultrasound to start. We haven't had one of those in about three months or more. Since she is now full grown, we could only see her one part at a time rather than a big picture. But we did see her little lips opening and closing, and her sticking her hand into her mouth, and sticking her tongue out, and being cute. She moved around a lot then, too. She's just an enthusiastic baby.

Finally we went up to wait some more for my doctor, and soon learned she wouldn't be back before the office closed. We had been there almost three hours and I really needed to see someone as I am 41 wks 5 days, and my amniotic fluid was low in the ultrasound measurement (which is normal for this stage, plus I know I was dehydrated from sitting in that goddamn waiting room for an hour).

So we saw a different doctor. I was pleased that she didn't immediately discuss induction with me, having perhaps seen my doctor's notes that I'd rather avoid inducing until it becomes absolutely necessary. However I am now willing to try other natural methods to inspire labor, so I had her sweep my membranes. Holy cow that was uncomfortable. However, my cervix is still 3cm dilated, tilted anterior (forward), and "soft and mushy", so it was really the most favorable conditions to do it. What this does is to detach part of the bag of waters from the uterine wall, which releases hormones that can initiate labor. It has a certain measure of success, so I was willing to give it a go.

Then Brian and I went and got a pizza. I talked to my doula on the phone and she said I need to stay well-hydrated because of my low fluid, and it's good to do anyway. All of my pre-labor signs are still pointing toward starting very soon, god I hope it is this weekend. My doctor is working this weekend too, extra good. We are so ready.

However if nothing has happened by Monday, Tuesday will probably be The Day. But I don't want to think about that. Medical induction is my last resort; it's giving up in a way. But, on the other hand, it will bring me my baby. So I am excited to know I am guaranteed to become a mother at last some time in the next four or five days.

41 1/2 weeks

2009-10-22T19:08:38Z

To take my mind off the waiting and the boredom I have been experiencing, I have decided to pay attention to my appearance today. This means not just bathing and washing my hair, but also styling my hair. And then applying actual makeup, followed by jewelry, and then putting together an outfit, with accessories. Then maybe going out into public, carrying a nice handbag. I think this will help me feel better about being a giant cetacean.

I figure all this effort may be another good tempting fate exercise, and my water will break while we're downtown having lunch. I double dare you, amniotic sac! Go ahead, make my day.

morning has broken

2009-10-20T15:24:37Z

It's very foggy outside. I'm going to make a double batch of apple oatmeal.

Last night at 1am I woke up and thought I was having contractions. Probably just Braxton-Hicks again. I soon fell asleep. I still don't know how I will know it's the real thing. But I do know the middle of the night on two hours of sleep is suboptimal.

Trying really hard to be patient and positive. This is just not how I thought it would be.

red and yellow leaves

2009-10-19T18:07:49Z

You know, 41 weeks is not at all an abnormal gestational period. In fact, in France, 41 weeks is considered full term. I feel normal (though extremely uncomfortable!) and the baby is just fine. She apparently loves it in there. I have provided for her an ideal, optimal climate, where she is never cold, doesn't know what hunger is, is always held close to my heart, which she listens to day and night, and still has the freedom to kick and squirm at her leisure. She enjoys hearing my voice, and music, and is rocked to sleep each day by my walks. Of course, her little head is now bouncing against a softened and effaced and partially dilated cervix, so that's different, but she doesn't yet mind enough to decide to evacuate. But soon, she will. Soon!

I am somewhat bored and impatient. It's tough to really move around much. I haven't gained any weight in three weeks, but the baby is now positioned so low in my body that she feels like she's swinging between my thighs (exaggeration). Everything seems go for launch. Just waiting for that one last change in chemistry. I've done what I can to inspire her; walking, sex, more walking, bargaining, etc, and been given a few scattered irregular contractions and the loss of the plug. She kicks me firmly each day, which tells me she is in good health, and still has some room in there, so I don't need to fret that she is "too big." She has always measured perfectly, in the 50th percentile.

Tomorrow I have another doctor appt, one I had hoped we would not need to attend. They will want to do an ultrasound, and I am considering declining that, as it is basically pointless at this stage. They will ask to sweep my membranes (this is to try to get my water to break), and I will say no. They can listen to her heart, how about that. Maybe do the non-stress test, which is a fetal monitor. They will find out she is normal and fine. They will talk to me about induction, and I will say no, unless they can give me solid evidence that my baby's health is in decline or in danger. Remember the first sentence of this entry?

I will start to really worry after 42 weeks, but I don't think it will take that long. I feel changes every day, an increase in discomfort around my womb, stronger (irregular) contractions. They feel like my belly is suddenly tighter, literally contracting its muscles, which soon will force the baby down against the cervix repeatedly, and one centimeter at a time, draw it open for her passage. That is what labor is. The pressure and other chemical/hormonal changes will weaken the amniotic sac and at some point cause it to break. My coworker told me it felt just like a water balloon popping inside her body.

So, I am still pregnant. In the morning I wake up, sit up on my pillows and look down at my bump. "Hi, baby," I always say, and her little butt moves under my hand.

I don't have anything planned today except taking another walk in the beautiful perfect fall weather. Oh and I am also going to clean the downstairs (kitchen and living room), albeit slowly, and reward that with a nap and watching the baseball game.

Just got my weekly email from babycenter. It's all about caring for my one-week-old infant. Because every baby in the world gestates for exactly 38 weeks (+2 when you start with the first day of your last period. It is very unscientific). You know what? Fuck you, babycenter. Unsubscribe.

where is my love

2009-10-16T18:09:00Z

This morning I woke up just after 3am to pee, as usual, then lay in bed awake. I felt hungry, so I ate some walnuts. Lay down again. Couldn't sleep. I turned to look at the clock. It was 4:45. I stared at the dark shapes in the room. I listened to Kona on her bed, breathing heavily as though in a dream. I climbed down beside her and pet her soft ears and kissed her head. It hardly seemed worth it to just lay awake anymore, so I put on a sweater and slippers and went downstairs. Dog and cats followed.

I washed all the dishes in the sink, made a cup of tea, and ate a slice of the banana bread I baked last night. Watched "Project Runway" on the Tivo. Despite it being 6:30 now, Kona thought it was playtime, and kept bringing her soft frisbee over to my lap.

Baby is four days "overdue", which I realize is arbitrary, meaningless, and not worth worrying over. But I am so ready and I wonder what is the holdup, why isn't she ready, too?

Yesterday morning I lost my mucus plug while in the shower. For those who do not know what that means, the mucus plug is what it sounds like: it's a thick blob that protects the uterus from bacteria by sealing over the cervix. Well, I looked down while bathing, for whatever reason, and saw this huge yellowish blob on the floor. It was dim in there so at first I didn't even know what I was looking at and for some reason thought maybe it was a piece of sea sponge that had fallen into the tub. Which is absurd. Before I could investigate further, it had slipped down the drain entirely.

An hour later, there was more, after I used the toilet. Like the novice I am, I wondered if things would start happening within the hour. No, they did not, but losing one's plug at this late stage is a meaningful sign that labor *could* start in a couple days.

In the afternoon, I went out for coffee with my doula. We went to this great little coffeeshop downtown that I've driven past many times. It's the type of place with carpeted floors and mismatched tables and random funky stuff all over the place. I liked it. Kristina brought her three kids with her, who were all very well behaved and charming. She and I talked about pregnancy and birth stuff, as usual. She makes me feel extremely confident. I just want to get going, I know I can handle whatever nature throws at me, and if not, I know I'll be okay anyway.

Today is extremely gray and dismal. So much for walking Kona again. I need to be walking, so the best way for me to do that indoors is to do more housework. The master bathroom is pretty gross (to me) at this point, and has been on my to-do list for weeks. Got to clean it up.

I opened up a chapter from my book this morning, too, which I sadly have not looked at in a shamefully long time. So many revisions have taken place in my head since the last time I typed anything, I could just start over from scratch and probably will. Maybe my goal today will be writing a few paragraphs.

The baby will come when she is ready. I am strongly opposed to inducement except in cases of emergency. I am starting to feel a bit pressured and overwhelmed by the constant inquiries and encouragement. The baby cannot hear you. She does not care that we all want to meet her. She will instigate labor at the moment she chooses. Her mama does not want to feel like she is disappointing everyone by not producing a baby in a timely fashion. So please be sensitive to this if any pregnant woman you know has gone past her due date. She wants the baby to come, she is tired of being pregnant, she doesn't need reminders of this. Maybe she just wants to watch baseball on TV and bake cookies and play with the dog while she waits.

I understand everyone has the best of intentions, of course. But I guess it's hard to understand how it feels until you're going through it. "Where is that baby??" She is in my uterus, of course.

Also I am hormonal. Apologies!

precipitation

2009-10-14T14:51:10Z

It's so nice to awaken just before dawn and lay there against Pillow Mountain, listening to the rain fall into the trees outside, watching the sky change color through the high window, and lay my hand on my belly to feel the baby's first morning stirrings.

making food

2009-10-13T03:39:09Z

Brian is at the store buying some groceries, including ingredients for a peanut butter banana cream pie I am going to make. My nesting and seclusion are taking the form of cooking and baking. For dinner tonight I made an elaborate tuna noodle casserole.

It's not total seclusion; I did take Kona for a walk today. I guess I also took myself and the fetus for a walk. Trying to remain somewhat active, even if it's only a 3/4 mile waddle. The weather was gray and chilly, the sun trying and failing to burn a hole in the clouds.

Tomorrow it will rain, and we have a doctor appointment. Though anything could happen between now and then, meaning I could go into labor I suppose, which would be great because the waiting would be over, as would the discomfort of pregnancy, but most importantly I will finally hold my baby, see what she looks like, hear her voice.

She has hiccups now.

garden failures and successes

2009-10-12T20:23:07Z

Fall is certainly here -- we have seen the last of the hot weather and I think that very soon it may even freeze at night.

So yesterday Brian and I spent a few hours breaking down the vegetable garden. We pulled out everything but the acorn squash -- which has produced a couple of grapefruit-sized gourds so far.

The tomatoes, which I thought in early summer would be a smashing success, kind of failed. And here is why:

+ The three plants grew incredibly large and tall, creating too much shade for the inner and lower fruits. This also made the stalks/stems too long for nutrients to actually reach all of the tomatoes. They were all over six feet at their highest. Needed lots of support to keep from collapsing. This was probably because they were in a very sunny area, in very rich composty soil, with unlimited root space in the ground.

+ Birds took to eating the fruits as soon as they began to turn color. >:(

+ Did not get enough water or food from me. It was hard to keep up as I got pregnanter. Could not do any pruning, etc.

So. Yesterday I plucked about five pounds of green tomatoes and put them in a paper bag. Having done this a few weeks ago, I know they will ripen to perfection. Pity they could not ripen on the vine.

Learnings for next season: Instead of a raised, ground garden bed for tomatoes, we will purchase some oak half wine barrels, which will give the plants enough room, but not too much room. And they will be easier to access. One plant per barrel. More watering, feeding, and pruning. Netting if the birds become an issue again.

Good news is that when the tomatoes did survive to ripeness, they were amazing.

Other takeaways from Veggie Garden 2009 for next spring:

+ Plant carrots earlier, and continue to plant in rows every two weeks, so that we can have carrots all summer.

+ Skip the radishes; not really worth it. Same with sugar snap peas. Peas are only worth it if you do a whole field of them. But they are very easy to grow, anyway. Might be fun for the baby... hmm we'll see.

+ Do cucumbers again, but only one variety, and do them in barrels as well. They creep along the ground and get tangled without enough attention. Produced yummy fruit though.

+ Skip the peppers; again, not worth it when you yield a SINGLE pepper on each plant.

Next summer I won't be pregnant so it's going to be much easier to keep up with the garden. When summer falls in your final trimester and you can't even put on socks, it's not really possible to pull weeds or plant anything.

Any suggestions for other worthwhile edibles to grow would be great. Summer squash, maybe?

now, we wait

2009-10-12T18:44:18Z

I can't believe October 12 is actually here.

This morning at just after two a.m. I woke up and felt a dull but intense pain in my belly. Hmm, I thought. Hmmmmm. I rolled myself out of bed and stood, leaning on the mattress, feeling the pain continue. Brian was awake at this point and could see what was going on. My breathing was different too. I was just trying to figure out what it was, a contraction, or the usual pain of pressure on my bladder, or a pulled round ligament, etc. It did feel different though. I waddled into the bathroom to pee.

Then I lay down again. I could still sort of feel it. I checked the clock, about 2:20. Brian put his arm around me and touched my tummy. We hadn't said anything. The pain disappeared so I waited for it to return. Fifteen minutes, then twenty, and nothing. The whole time I was thinking, wow, is this it? And how awesome to go into labor on my due date. Thought about calling my doula, my mother, etc. Wondered how many hours I would labor at home, and so on. But I didn't get another contraction, and I fell asleep.

So this morning, I am puttering around in my nightgown, with some low back pain, kicky baby, wondering if should be doing anything to get things going. All I can really do is stay hydrated and talk a walk or two. I am really excited. I'm not scared.

baseball nerd post

2009-10-10T16:50:52Z

I'm not very happy about the baseball playoffs this year. The teams involved are fairly predictable, with the long shots (Twins) assumed to have no shot of advancing. The two teams I despise the most (Los Angeles and Los Angeles) seem certain to continue to the next round. I can't say I really care for the Red Sox at all, I'm ambivalent about the Cardinals. I wouldn't mind seeing the Phillies win again, but really, eh.

I think I'll just be contrarian and root for the Yankees. Fuck it. Hey, I always did like Nick Swisher, I even have one of his t-shirts from when he was in Oakland. But even if I did root for the Yankees, it would be half-heartedly. But it wouldn't be so bad if they won it all; they were the best team all year.

But I'll focus primarily on L.A. and L.A. losing. Humiliatingly. That better happen. Because eff the Dodgers. Worst case scenario is the both of them make it to the WS. Yuck.

Okay anyway.

Last night I slept HORRIBLY. I could not get comfortable in any position. It felt like my bump weighed 500 pounds. Sleeping on either side resulted in sore hips. Sleeping upright placed all the weight on my tailbone. Ugh it was agony. My bladder felt more compressed than usual. Brian kept snoring. I just lay there waiting for dawn. I think my body is pushing me into the "get this baby out of me" mindset. Which is a good thing.

my former paycheck

2009-10-09T18:03:44Z

Well, I caved and ordered some clothing from babygap.com this morning. Even when I worked there two years ago I appreciated how stylish and cute their baby clothes are. In the baby girl department, there is a distinct lack of wall-to-wall pink. Sure, some of the clothes are pink, but a healthy percentage are not, and they even let baby girls wear BLACK! Woo! So, here is what I succumbed to:

for Oct 31, or any day really

While browsing, I noticed how much the site has changed and evolved since my departure. So many more cool features, total brand integration, multi-store cart and checkout (those were on the horizon when I quit). I was impressed, and it made me wonder how much my department (front-end coding) would have been able to contribute to the new features. Perhaps building the new templates from wireframes... but overall it looks like a huge back-end development project. Well, good for them.

The most surprising thing I noticed is how many outside brands they are now selling, particularly in babyGap. Car seats, strollers, bouncers, all from non-Gap companies. I think they are trying to snag a little Babies R Us business -- if so good for them because Babies R Us is awful. The bad grammar and spelling alone are enough to turn me off forever.

Anyway. Hey I'm still pregnant! Saw my doctor yesterday and I am quite effaced (this means my cervix has softened and flattened) and 1cm dilated. So, we're headed in the right direction. Baby has certainly dropped low and is still head down and is still kicky. La la waiting.

tattle tail

2009-10-08T17:57:48Z

Through observation and keen intelligence, Kona has determined that the cats are not allowed to be on the kitchen counter. In other words, when one of them hops up there, we scold and remove them, and Kona has taken notice.

So now, she has taken it upon herself to police this activity for us, to much hilarity. For example last night Sasha jumped up onto one of the bar stool chairs, and seemed to be making a move to continue toward the counter.

Kona leaped off the sofa and ran over to the chair and started growling in Sasha's face. I told her to knock it off and called her back, but she kept an eye on the cat. Every time Sasha peeked over the edge of the counter, Kona was on the case again.

I don't know where she gets this from.

chilly

2009-10-07T16:19:05Z

Brrr. Looks like I went on leave just in time. It's 46 degrees outside and there's no way any of my winter coats come even close to being zipped or buttoned. So I'm cozy inside in my tent of a nightgown, having a cup of coffee and a freshly baked homemade cheddar biscuit (recipe courtesy "the Barefoot Contessa").

Today's agenda includes cleaning up the dining room (for some reason a bunch of boxes and crap have been stored in the corner of the room for months), tidying my office, finishing one of my library books, and watching baseball games. Oh and waiting for the baby to decide it's time to evacuate. That's a big one.

I've been sleeping on and off, sometimes well, sometimes not. Mainly I just get pain in my hip when I sleep on my side, which is really the only way I can lie down now. And I get up thrice to pee. Baby moves around a lot at night, she is strong.

waiting

2009-10-06T01:30:44Z

Feeling so huge and also heavy today. Like there's a bag of bricks rolling around in my pelvis. I took Kona for a walk and we went sooo. Sloooow. Poor pup probably hated it. I just felt pressure the whole time. Got home and poured a little glass of juice, immediately knocked it to the floor. Oops.

Later I decided to go grocery shopping. Slowly shuffled through the aisles. Got some ingredients to make meatloaf. Also got marshmallows and a graham cracker crust. For some reason. I think I was envisioning a banana cream pie? Anyway, I think I need Brian along the next time so I don't randomly grab things.

Finally back home, Brian and I prepared the meatloaf together. It's in the oven now. I really need to rest on the sofa.

Thirty-nine weeks today. I feel like she is coming soon.

threesome

2009-10-03T19:43:33Z

Something that has occurred to us as we get closer to childbirth: there will be a new person living in our house. For years now it's just been me and Brian, and our pets. When he goes off to do something, I'm alone. But very soon, there will be this third person. Yes, she'll be a little baby, our baby, but very soon her personality will appear, her voice will fill the rooms. Everything will be different.

I had odd dreams this morning. In one, I am standing on the ferry deck as it slowly moves toward the Bainbridge dock. This is something I have done hundreds of times now. It felt very real. The air was white with fog. I began to wonder where my purse was. Then I couldn't remember how I had traveled to work that day, if I had taken the bus or driven. I felt in a panic about my bag. Then I realized it was on my shoulder, it was my woven light brown hobo which I love. In the other dream I was in San Francisco, standing outside a house where a punk show was being held in the basement. Very much about being a younger me. But, as I am now, I was hugely pregnant.

Anyway.

This morning I baked an apple crisp. And now I have given myself a bunch of chores, which I will perform at a leisurely pace. I feel like labor could be a few days off. It's strange to finally be at the end of this, thirty-nine weeks from the first day of my last period, which was, of course, also my birthday.

tuesday morning

2009-09-29T15:43:44Z

I'm looking at the ferry docked in Seattle on the ferry web cam. There it floats, late as usual, deck crowded with people. Usually, I would be standing there too, looking up at the buildings or down at the waiting row of bicycles on the car deck. Getting ready for my hike up to Third, wondering what to do when I miss my bus.

But instead I am home. The dog is sleeping at my feet, I'm in my robe, which now can't really be closed properly, only belted. I am just that huge. This morning I sat up in bed, chewing on a bran muffin, feeling the baby churn from one side to the other, then drift into a little spell of hiccups.

Outside it's gray and wet. I think summer is really over. I'm kind of bummed that I can't wear any of my nice fall clothes. I have one maternity long-sleeved T and one maternity sweater. And a bunch of cardigans and jackets that I can't close. Hmm. Time to get creative, or start wearing Brian's clothes... though even that won't work; he is pretty fit.

Oh! But scarves and hats and gloves don't care how big my belly is. I do love those.

sunday evening post

2009-09-28T02:31:14Z

Dinner tonight: roasted new potatoes, local summer squash, carrots, and broccoli, served over steamed rice. Really good.

Tomorrow's Monday... I am working, at home, which means sleeping in until like 7:30 (amazing!!), having a breakfast I don't have to scarf down, and walking Kona from 8-8:30, and then logging into work. Ahhh.

I will also officially be at 38 weeks, and the clock is really ticking now. I feel larger than ever, just extremely awkward and fat :( , but at the same time, more aware than ever of my baby inside me and her churning limbs, and so very excited to finally meet her. All's well medically, she is measuring perfectly as usual and my blood pressure is always good at my appointments. I am trying hard to be as prepared as I can for birth, but really that means staying moderately active and hydrated and getting enough sleep, etc.

We went to the library today because Brian needed a card. I checked out a couple of Anita Brookner books.

Oh and my dad & his wife departed for Arizona today. They will be back in the spring. I do wish he could be here when the baby is born... but pictures and maybe video will have to do in the meantime.

baby boom

2009-09-27T06:12:31Z

Me: due in 2 weeks (!)

Rena: due in Nov

Ann: due in Feb

Alantra (& my brother): due in May

Aliki, Lisa, and Julie: due in spring

When it rains it pours!

Oh and my other sister-in-law Dee and my v. good friend Tamara had babies this summer.

My little girl wants out. The feeling is mutual! I can barely wait to meet her.

bus stop

2009-09-24T19:26:46Z

The boat was relatively on time today. Two minutes late is a good day. The sky was a high, cool curtain of white clouds -- a nice break from what has seemed like five months of heatwaves. I sat in the top deck quiet room and listened to a podcast.

It came time to disembark, and I stood near the front of the crowd, knowing how slow I walk and how tight that connection to my bus always is. We were released into the cattle chute and I started my march eastward to Third. On the way, everyone had to go around/step over some homeless people who had just laid their stuff and their bedding right across the narrow bridge that connects the terminal with Marion Street.

I missed a couple traffic lights and started to fret about my bus. As I waddled down Third toward Columbia, I saw it down the block, approaching the red light. So I waited across the road. I waved my arm to get the driver's attention. I was ten yards away.

The light finally turned and I started crossing, still waving to the driver. He ignored me and pulled out into the lane. HEY! I shouted. HEY!! The bus blew right by me. I couldn't believe it. Because I am eight and a half months pregnant and hormonal, I had to sit down and cry for a minute or two. Fucking asshole, I thought. Fuck this pathetic, provincial backwater of a "city" and its joke of a transit system.

So that's why I was late to work, again.

But today is the penultimate day. It's to be expected. I think every day this week I have been presented with some kind of public transit incompetency in my commute, or at the very least something irritating. Maybe the coup de grace tomorrow will be a 45-minutes-late ferry that causes me to miss my doctor appt!

Anyway. Eating lunch at my desk now. Leftover green beans and mashed potatoes from last night. Mmm. Snack later will be a pear and a slice of cheese. I will attempt to avoid being tempted by the junk food. I realized today that being at home will vastly improve my diet. No more eating out, no more desperation candy bars. It will be lots cheaper, too.

Last night I did not sleep well, as always. Woke up multiple times to pee or change positions or otherwise sit/lie there trying to get back to sleep. At some point around 4am, Kona woke up from a bad dream and started howling/crying like she does when she has one of her little doggy nightmares. Brian and I both got out of bed to go hug her and pet her. I feel bad for thinking this is the cutest thing in the world.

waiting for the kid to come out

2009-09-21T20:28:54Z

It has once again been too long since I posted and I don't have a cohesive entry in mind so I will just string together a few random things.

+ Brian and I visited the SAM last week (we were on a date) and after enjoying the Wyeth exhibition, fell in love with this raven puppet that was hanging out in the kids area. Want to have. Verily.

+ Thirty-seven weeks. Feels like an iron ball is attached to my torso. I am fat, awkward, and uncomfortable. And sick of all my clothes, which I am steadily growing out of, in part because cheap maternity clothing can only be washed so many times before it starts to really shrink up. Baby is kicking as strenuously as ever; good girl. But sometimes it almost hurts, like when she rakes a knee or heel over my abdomen. I think she wants out soon. We are just about ready, the nursery is set (not that she'll really be in there much), she has a little basic wardrobe of things to wear. Just waiting on the remaining cloth pre-fold diapers to arrive next week.

+ Very swiftly, the trees outside my window here at work changed their colors from green to yellow. And now the yellow leaves are shedding fast, spinning down to the street below. By the time the horribly offensive gas-powered leaf blowers show up, I will hopefully have finished commuting and be tucked into my nest at home. I'm working remotely next week (provided I don't go into labor), and after that... we wait. And I clean and organize things and make food.

+ I need a haircut. And one more paid-for pedicure.

+ My baby shower was pretty awesome. My friend Ann went totally above and beyond and everything was just beautiful. And yesterday we had another little party at home, very casual, with a few local friends and neighbors. I made my favorite pasta salad, Brian made chocolate-chip pecan cookies, and one of the guests brought us a peanut butter pie with Oreo crust. I almost wept at the fact that I could not eat a giant slice of it. I was stuck with about four bites.

+ Which brings me to my heartburn. Wah! Lately I have been openly fantasizing about the HUGE meals I am going to eat once my uterus has been evacuated and my stomach can resume its normal volume. These days I am eating the smallest un-acidic portions I can manage, in an effort to quell the heartburn I get every day starting sometime in the afternoon. Medicine so far does nothing. I figure I can handle this for another three weeks or so. Then when we arrive home with baby, I am going to send Brian out for a massive platter of good sushi and a bottle of very good beer to go with it.

+ The title of this post is my misinterpretation of the title of an old Spoon song.